There are indeed seasons of barrenness meant to build in us perseverence, steadfastness, unwaivering committed love. No marriage is always bliss, and that includes my marriage to the Most High. The seasons where “feeling”, “emotional rapture”, and thrilling encounters with God seem like a distant memory. Surely I must be doing something wrong if I’m not connecting with him like I long to, right?
But sometimes, if the Holy Spirit is bringing no correction to my attention, I must forsake the voices of condemnation and accusation that burden me with burdens not mine.
In those times i must realize, those tears I cry because I cannot seem to touch him like I have before, those tears are PRICELESS to his ravished heart.
His heart is ravished with me. Song of Solomon says that one glance of my eyes steals his heart, making him “weak” with love.
Surely if he loves me so, and I were doing something wrong, would he not faithfully show me?
These tears I shed in longing, these frustrations I endure as I pray, wait, worship, press in, and find no emotional connection with Him, those tears are far more valuable to his heart that longs to be sought after than the laughter of a quick connection.
To him, those tears tell a story of a love which will pursue him THROUGH the desert. Do I always feel of great courage to follow? No. Many times I feel faint of heart as I grasp upward only to grip nothing, finding my pursuit of him so mightily tempted to wane.
But then I remind myself that though those times of prayer, waiting, worship, reading-only-to-find-nothing-life-changing may feel like wasted moments, that to God, they are invaluable. I am sowing to the Spirit, and in time I will reap of the Spirit.
I am sowing to Love. And in time, I will reap in Love.
So Lord, though my heart grow faint within me and I have no great thing to offer, I offer you my longing. I offer you my tears. I offer you my perseverent pursuit of you… for the ways I long to know you Compel me to chase you even still.
I believe these tears of mine have a voice to you… and on the other side of eternity, would you share with me of their worth to you, read me that story that they have told?
Though I touch you not, I will reach for you.
Though I “see” you not, I will search for you.
I will follow you even through the desert, because I know that in time, the desert must end.
In time, your ravished heart will turn and ravish mine.
In time, my steady and sometimes bitter pursuit will yield a sweeter, richer Love between us than I have ever known.
So Lord, I come.
(Written August 2009.)